A Cottage On The Moon

Do you know that feeling when you don’t want to go out but you have plans with a friend but then that friend calls saying they can’t make it and you’re like

Well, I’ve just had a friend cancel what was supposed to be me spending an afternoon with her baby

The other day I was just talking with my stepdad and I went, “I bet you can sing really well” and he just looked absolutely horrified then went all pokerface.jpeg and left and I was like, “wtf”.

But today I remembered that when he first started dating my mum, like 6 years ago, he phoned her and I picked up because she was driving, and before I could even say hello he started singing

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

And I just let him sing the whole. fucking. thing.

Just choking on my lols, my ribs crumbling to dust under the pressure, until he was finished and I was like, “That was beautiful. This is Isa, btw, my mother is driving right now.”

And there was silence for like 17 years, I mean, I could hear him hyperventilating, but he wasn’t saying anything, until he just went, “Oh. Oh. I have to… bye.” Then he wouldn’t look me in the eye for weeks.

So, today I was casually walking outside, enjoying the sunshine (I don’t usually do this because I can see the sun shine through the window, so what’s the point) and then a bunch of people started waving at me.

Now, experience has taught me to never wave at people I do not know because their friends are always behind me, waving back. But I look behind me and there’s no one. In fact, my whole side of the street is empty.

“What treat of the gods is this?” I thought because, honestly, people just clearing a path so I can walk without making contact with other human beings is a fond dream of mine.

THEN A FUCKING ROOSTER JUMPED FROM UNDER A CAR AND LEGIT CHASED ME FOR LIKE 100 METRES LIKE FOR REAL I WAS RUNNING WITH MY ARMS IN THE AIR CRYING FOR MY MOTHER ALL THE WAY HOME. I MEAN, HE GAVE UP CHASE LONG BEFORE THAT, BUT I STILL LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR. WHAT THE FUCK ROOSTER OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE.

I ended up with my grandmother’s old dog after she died (my gran, not the dog, obv) and she has ZERO respect for me. She just straight up pretended she was too feeble to go downstairs for her ~walk~, so I carried her fat ass, tripped, then fell down 1 flight of stairs on my ass, lifting the dog in my arms like Rafiki presenting baby Simba. As soon as we reached the last step that stupid bitch got up and walked off as if Jesus himself had showed up and healed her.

Then my other idiot dog dragged me 3 feet across the floor by the leash wrapped around my wrist.